Where it’s at …

The last week flew by so quickly that I hardly recognised my ass from my elbow most of the time! I’d spring out of bed gazelle like in the mornings (well okay not QUITE that gracefully!) but I have made a point of getting up earlier on “school days” to sort out breakfast for the kids and get their packed lunches ready … then I even found I actually had time to sit down with a cup of coffee and catch some news before making sure that they were dressed and ready for school. On more than one occasion I actually had time to (shhhh don’t tell anyone!) SHOWER before the morning school run!

Soooo I need to make a bit of an update on the last week and where I’m at with the business, especially because I’ve had my customers commenting asking me what on earth has been going on because the website is down!! I have to say, it puts a huge smile on my face to know that customers have commented on my blog and searched me out on facebook! It’s actually nice to have been missed!!

DeeLights is still very much in business!

The plug has most definitely NOT been pulled and I am still alive and kicking. All the while my heart is beating … in my heart I will always be a candlemaker! It’s what I do!! It’s all I do and what I am GOOD at!! Crikey if my customers are actually LOOKING for me online when the business website is down … well that says it all about the quality huh!

Timing has been VERY unfortunate with the run up to Christmas, but I’ve not had much choice. Well okay that’s a lie, there is always a choice, but I know I made the right choice.

I took time OUT from the business to settle my children into a new home after leaving their father and all they have ever known for their short little lives. I had a brand spanking new home to set up and my priorities had to be re-focused 100% onto my children. It was absolutely essential that I wasn’t stressing out about filling orders or having them looked after in the evenings while I was working because they have needed me waaaaay more than any customer.

The website IS down at the moment but that’s only because I am in the middle of transferring hosts, and it should be back up and running again soon! In the meantime I’ll be getting the eBay shop stocked asap over the next day or so. I’ll update here when there is news to tell anyway!

My ex and I seem to be getting on okay as well. There have been a few “dodgy” moments where we’ve yelled and screamed at each other, but for the most part it’s all on good terms and the children are being put first which is what matters.

As to my new life in “single-ville” and the business relocation and new premises and everything ELSE that has happened … I will have to save that for another day because as Zebedee would say – “time for bed ….”

Good Friends …

While I was “married” … I know I let a lot of friendships slide and I’ll take full responsibility for that. It was so easy to settle into “normal” life and use the excuse of being busy … when really all it would have taken is a phone call, email or text to stay in touch. It takes two yes … but if neither of you make the effort – then, well one of you has to!

Since I’ve been “single” I have been back in touch with so many friends and I am absolutely loving it!! I tell ya, Facebook has a lot to answer to! I’ve got online friends that I “met” a few years ago through various forums and networking sites and lost contact with, as well as people I haven’t spoken to in over 18 years that I went to school with!!! My social circle has widened so much and I am loving it!!

I’m determined to stay on top of my friendships from now on. Everyone needs a venting post and someone to laugh, cry and smile with them. My friends have really been there for me – I’m really lucky!

Marriage & Divorce

After nearly 11 years of marriage, my husband and I are getting a divorce. The funny part is that our friends were very much split down the middle when they found out … half of them were shocked that the two of us were splitting up, but the other half weren’t surprised at all. It’s amazing what gets hidden behind closed doors huh.

It has to be said that Megan & Nathan are handling it REALLY well. I am so proud of them. I found a lovely 3 bed house to rent in the same area as the “old house” and a terrific landlady to boot! I had said to Hub that we should wait to tell them the whole truth until I had found a place because it would make the adjustment easier if they could go and SEE where they were going to be living, and it worked out perfectly. I found the house at the start of October, and moved in with the children officially on the 25th. It meant that I was able to spend three whole weeks getting unpacked and getting the house sorted out before “the big day.” The first week in the house the children were on half term as well, so we all had plenty of time to adjust and get used to things. There have been a few problems … but on the whole they have done brilliantly and settled in really well. I’m really proud of both of them.

It hasn’t been easy and I won’t pretend otherwise! I worry every day about money and coping… but so far I’m doing okay. I live to a very strict budget and have precisely £7.68 a week left over, but that includes everything!! Housing benefit *should* cover my rent, but I have to make sure I can cover at least HALF of it every month just incase there is a problem (I am a grey area as I am self employed!) BUT … my budget is worked out to include all of the bills – gas & electric (both key meters), water, TV license, car insurance, phone bill, sky TV, fuel … plus an allowance for food, cigarettes and alcohol! My budget also includes a tenner a week “unexpected” … like last week the kids bought home school photos … more money! So far, it’s working out, but I need to live for about 3 months to really tell for sure and it’s only been a couple of weeks so far! 

My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I are getting on okay too. We are polite and civil to each other and there is a new respect that there never was before. Shame that wasn’t the case while we were still “married” eh! Anyway it’s working out that he is seeing the kids one night a week during the week and then he has them 2 nights every other weekend … they feel they see enough of him, and he seems happy that he is seeing enough of them … so it’s all good.

Our solicitors seem to think it will take anywhere between 3-5 months for the divorce. I am divorcing him on the grounds of “unreasonable behaviour” but to keep it amicable, it’s basically things we agreed on between us, so there are no surprises and no nasty malicious anything … well not from my part anyway and I’ve not seen anything to indicate that he’s about to pull a swift one on me. Basically we both just want a clean break and a fresh start.

*** HIATUS ***

“Hiatus” –noun, plural -tus⋅es, -tus.

1.	a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc.

Yeah … so that’s what this has been … a hiatus! I had to stop writing my blog for a while when my marriage really started to break down because my kids read this and until my husband and I had a chance to work out exactly what we were going to do and talk to them properly … well I couldn’t write about it … and as my life was so pre-occupied with that … I couldn’t write about anything else either!!

Part of me was going to start a completely new blog with a new address and everything, but instead I decided to just carry on here

So … Will Work For Shoes is back … with a vengeance!!

Ready for 5am … again!

Sooo after working my proverbial behind off for the last few days, I REALLY hope that the weather holds off for me to have a good day at Ford market tomorrow! The forecast is for rain … lots and lots of rain, but with clear intervals so I’m gonna suck it and see – my alarm is set for 5am and I’m going anyway! I’m happy enough that I went up there a couple of weeks ago when it wasn’t just rain and wind but thunderstorms … and there were still people walking around the market. At any rate it’s got to be better than Worthing market on a Wednesday!!!

I made the most of my oh so comfortable bed until gone 10am this morning. I was fully aware that with the kids back at school and Ford Market on Sundays now … that Saturday morning is literally my ONLY chance to enjoy the sanctuary of my bed – and ohhhh I took advantage of it this morning. It was almost delicious waking up at 8am, looking at the clock with a smile and pulling the duvet back around me and snuggling in deep for another couple of hours snoozing!!!

I’ve had SUCH a good day today and got so much done. It’s always a good day in the workshop for me when I can be productive!! I was a lean mean packaging machine and pretty much spent the day solidly shrink wrapping and labelling votives! LOL I don’t have nearly enough stock for tomorrow, but I also know that I ALWAYS think that no matter how much I take! Megan is coming with me too … I didn’t know until today when I’d got the car packed up whether there would actually be room for her or not … so I’ll have to see how it all goes and if I do sell a lot … then I’ll have to sacrifice my daughter in the car in favour of more stock! LOL

I SO want a van to cart all my crap clutter stock in! This is a Vauxhall combo van and I know I can get one for £500 cash from “the van man” near my workshop. I just don’t have £500! Grrrrrrr

They are SO adorable … ever heard a van described as cute? Well this is it! I love these vans! They are CUTE and the perfect size. They aren’t massively huge, so I’d be able to drive one without being paranoid about crashing it or pissing my neighbours off too much with taking up lots of space in the road! I can just see this with my company logo all over the side of it … permanent advertising for the business.

I love days like this. Work … well, I had a big smile on my face – I’ve still got a smile on my face for reasons I can’t possibly write about *grin* and I’m hoping & praying that the weather is on my side tomorrow!!!

Apparently “perfect”?!

I’ve lost a fair bit of weight recently (11bs to be exact) - I wasn’t fat before, but my wobbly bits wobbled a lot more than they do now,, and I’ve tried to lose weight before so it’s not as if I couldn’t afford to lose it! The thing is, when I’ve tried diets in the past, I’ve lost a few pounds in the beginning and then spent the rest of the time HUNGRY! Recently though I have just lost my appetite, and the weight has dropped off me. I’m not starving myself or anything stupid and I actually FORCE myself to eat when I’m not feeling hungry because I know I need to keep my energy levels up!

Anyway, I went to the doctor today for a couple of reasons … firstly I’ve noticed a mole on the back of my neck that is itchy, so she has recorded the measurements of it on my records … and secondly to mention about my loss of appetite. She measured and weighed me … and then pronounced me absolutely perfect for my height!!

It was a phenomenal thing to hear! For somebody who has struggled with weight issues her whole life to be told that your body IS in fact “perfect” … well it was a nice ego boost put it that way! My weight is bang slap in the middle of the ideal weight for my height, my body fat percentage is okay, my BMI is okay and I am looking better than I have looked in years! I have to admit though that I do still have huge body image issues but that is an on going battle!

Still, she was concerned about my loss of appetite so sent me off for blood tests. I HATE having blood tests … not because I’m scared of needles or anything like that (although who LIKES being poked with a needle! LOL) but because my veins are nonexistant (and I mean nonexistant!!) The nurse had two attempts to stab me before calling the doctor in to do it!!!

Sooo butchered and bruised … the blood results are back in a week!

Tag you’re it

I was tagged by Jean at Not Super Mum Tagging is a bit like Chinese Whispers with questions! Someone “tags” you from their blog with a set of questions or something to ponder … and you then tag someone else!!

Here goes!

1. Where was I 10 years ago? Ooooh oooh I know the answer to that almost exactly!! Megan was a 6 week old baby and we had all moved in with my parents temporarily while we looked for somewhere to rent. They were away on a 6 week holiday to the USA and by the time they got back we were moving out. So yep this is exactly where I was 10 years ago … with a teeny weeny tiny baby and moving house!

2. What’s on my to do list today? Actually an awful lot. I need to get into the workshop and finish off the orders that I have in at the moment. I did all the prep last night so it’s only about two hours work which is why I’m not in a hurry to get there just yet (till I’ve had another coffee anyway!!) I then need to shrink wrap and label a ton of votive candles, reply to a gazillion emails and get back home in time to get at least an hours worth of accounts done while I have an empty house before I pick the kids up! After that … housework, get dinner ready, get kids in bed and back to working on the website this evening! Yeah that should do it!

3. What if I was a billionaire? I have thought about this a lot and the most important thing in the world to me is security and a roof over my head that I know is mine. I would buy the house of my dreams and decorate it entirely to my own tastes and live happily in it for ever after! I would make absolutely sure that all of my friends and family were financially secure for the rest of their lives too… and I’d give as much as I could do the charities that really deserve it to help other people. It would be nice to know that I could help to make the world a better place.

4. Five Places I have lived - My parents first house was in Shoreham, Sussex. I don’t remember much about the house except really scary carpets and a black & white tiled floor in the kitchen because I walked into the glass door and I remember how bright red my blood looked on the kitchen floor (I was 6 years old and still have a scar on my forehead!) We then moved to the house in Lancing that my mum still has. I grew up in this house until I was 16 and moved in with a boyfriend. I moved quite a few times with that boyfriend until we split up and I got my own bedsit. This was I think - my favourite place out of all the places I ever lived because it was all MINE! I had no money, could barely afford the rent let alone any food, but it was ALL MINE!! After that I met Hub, moved to Cornwall (err I think that’s more than five already!) then we came back up to Lancing and have lived in two places since that move.

5. Three bad habits I have – Only three? I smoke, I drink, I crack my knuckles! LOL That’s what I’m admitting to anyway!

6. Snacks I like - I don’t really tend to snack … if I am hungry I will eat something!! But, if I need a lil boost then it’s something like a banana or a piece of cheese.

7. Who am I tagging? I’ll have to update this in a bit … I really should get to work! LOL

Hi ho hi ho it’s off to school they go …

Well it was a tad more stressful than I had planned! My alarm went off and hub had already got the kids up and sorted breakfast – he up at 7 and out of the house by 8am, so I take over when I get up at half seven.

Hub’s clothes were all over the floor – where they’ve been for the past few days and I’ve refused to pick them up for him. I tripped over his pile of crap this morning and hurt my foot. Made it to the bathroom and it was stinking like only a bloke can leave it with dribbles of – well, use your imagination over the toilet seat and before I had even started my day I was throwing up. Great! So yeah, by the time I faced the family I was in a foul mood. Hub immediately started on me with the “Oh you’re so cheerful in the mornings” crap – which of course only serves to make the mood worse!! Needless to say he scuttled out of the house pretty quickly and I dealt with the fallout.

Nathan had a complete and utter refusal to get dressed. He wanted to go and play on his computer – his computer that Hub was SUPPOSED to have put a time lock on a few days ago – but errr apparently Hub has been “too busy” to do that (too busy playing PC games all evening) Megan was dressed and ready with her coat on half an hour before we needed to even go anywhere!!!

Finally got out of the house and thank you thank you to the god of rain for allowing us parents to be able to chuck them straight through the school doors instead of hanging around in the playground!

I’d wanted to get a photo of them before they went off on their first day … but the rain was too much outside and I couldn’t get a decent shot indoors because it was so DARK! Autumn is definitely gone!!

So I am having a very well deserved cup of coffee before I go to work!

A rite of passage

Today marked a real rite of passage for Megan!! She was both petrified and excited at the same time - the look on her face as she gingerly holds a razor for the first time with shaving gel smeared all over her legs – haaahaaha well she knew I was going to take a photo!

The “once you’ve started, you can’t ever stop” journey into shaving your body hair has now begun! Megan has been unhappy about her leg hair for a while … and although I think ten years old is a little too young to start shaving or waxing or whatever – I DO understand the need inside a young girl to be happy with her body.

I remember going through the exact same thing, and my mum turning around to me and telling me it would only grow back twice as thick and that she’d never shaved her legs and …. well to be honest I never was going to listen. She was my mother telling me not to do something, so of course I went ahead and did it anyway! I was around 14 or 15 though!! Anyway, I sneaked my dad’s razor and ended up making a huge bloody (literally) mess of my knees.

Eventually they bought me an electric lady shave thingy … and … well, the point of that lil story was because I’d rather my daughter NOT end up with knees like mine! She wants to shave her legs – then okay, I’ll show her how!! I gave her a lesson in softening the skin with water before putting the foam on, about the different angles you have to use to get all the hairs, about rinsing the razor off and banging it on the sink to get the hairs out, about the delicate parts of the skin at the behind the knee and the back of the foot … and the whole navigation involved in successfully shaving a knee without bleeding! I did most of it for her, but I did also tell her that I wouldn’t be shaving her legs for her forever! She did have a go herself on an “easy” bit … but next time she’ll be doing the majority of it herself!

Ack, yet another sign that my little girl (who will ALWAYS be my little girl) aint so little anymore!!!

Can I mention Christmas yet?

1st September today and I spent a good part of my day planning the Christmas line for 2008! Man I can’t believe we didn’t even have a summer (weather wise) and here I am now on the first of September thinking about making Christmas tree candles, getting a cinnamon headache and trying to get in front for the Christmas scented votive candles in bulk! I’ve got the seasonal shop page already designed for the website – I have some bits and pieces I need to make tomorrow and photograph asap … but it’s all good right now!

The weather has changed too. The evenings are starting to get dark by 8pm … it’s coming!

Orders have picked up again … cash flow is … well, it’s flowing! OMG FINALLY it is flowing! I checked the bank account today and the first customer payment that I processed a week ago has actually been paid into the account within the seven days that NetBanx promised!! I’m in a MUCH better position than I was a week ago … and by this time next week it should be even better too!! By the time the real run up to Christmas gets here … fingers crossed that … well, just fingers crossed! LOL

Sometimes ya just need rescuing!

Sooo yeah they all came back home eventually! I had such a great weekend when they were away and I got SO much done – I’ve been working my proverbial butt off over the last few days as Hub had the rest of last week off so I took advantage to get into the workshop as much as possible!!

The kids are back at school in just a few days and I feel guilty that they haven’t had an awesome & amazing summer this year. Partly due to money – but also partly because the weather has been dreadful!! Finally we had a little inkling of some sunshine today, so after I’d done everything at work, we went to Brooklands park. I’d been promising them a ride on the boating lake for ages … and today we went for it!! Brooklands is right on our doorstep and there is no entrance fee – you just pay for whatever of the facilities you want to use and it isn’t expensive. Local stuff for local people

It was only £5 per boat for 15 mins to chill out on the lake. I swear I had more fun than Megan & Nathan did too! … well, once I’d figured out the reverse steering and narrowly avoided crashing a couple of times … well, until the boat engine cut out and we were left just floating …. into the reeds at the side of the bank! Ooops! Luckily the boat guys spotted us waving for help and came to rescue us!

Well …. I’m a girl who learned to drive in a brand new car just two years ago and who has never tinkered with engines! How was I supposed to know what a choke was … and my girlie wimpy arms couldn’t pull the cord chain thingy properly anyway!!!

Ahh well … sometimes a girl just needs rescuing eh!

Then we went and played in the park … well, they played and I tried hard not to watch as Nathan climbed to the very top of things and did what small boys do so well (scare their mothers!) 

I reckon he needs to start serious training for the next Olympics because he actually had a crowd around him as he was swinging on the monkey bars ooohing and ahhhing about how great he was at it! Nathan has always just had an uncanny knack for climbing and contorting his body into weird bizarre angles!

 

Megan is usually more sedate, but today even SHE wanted to just “hang around” LOL

It was a nice couple of hours just enjoying myself with the kids and not worrying about anything else in particular! I’m almost gutted that the summer holidays are nearly over … but I tell ya I can’t wait at the same time!!

I’m looking forward to it because I won’t have to worry about them between 9am-3pm 5 days a week again! I can get into the workshop and get things done without having to take them with me or play catch up in the evenings!

I’m NOT looking forward to it because 7am in the morning is such an ungodly hour that it should be banned … and because heck I actually do enjoy having my kids around! LOL

Bank Holiday Drivel

Even though I technically had nothing to get up for and an empty house to wake up to, I still set my alarm for 8am because I didn’t want to waste the day! I’m getting used to my morning cuppa in bed mind you and I may have to keep that tradition going!! Anyway, I needed to get into the workshop early because I had eleventy hundred emails to reply to, orders to make & package, my stock boxes to unpack properly … plus a 3 hour round trip to collect some wax from a supplier who took pity on me on a Bank Holiday Monday! It felt good getting up early and it felt good to clear some backlog at work.

For very selfish reasons I have thoroughly enjoyed my freedom and I am now almost gutted that it’s the last night before they all come home! It has been good being able to plan my day and what I want to do without worrying about it fitting into somebody else’s schedule. Selfish yes because life like that doesn’t exist when you have a family!

I think I have made really good use of the time with work and with my clean up at home too! I’ve made some huge major decisions that I have procrastinated over for far too long and I’m feeling positive.

A 5.30am decision!!

When my alarm went off this morning at 5am for Ford Market, I didn’t even have to look out of the window to know that it was blowing a gale and absolutely chucking it down! I sleep with the window open and the curtain was billowing like a ship sale out through the window … and my bed covers were wet!

Ever the optimist I decided not to snooze the alarm and turned on the TV in the bedroom, switched my laptop on and climbed back into bed to figure it out. Car was loaded last night so I was ready to go …. I was a veritable “in bed” weather station! No matter which website I checked, or which channel’s weather report I was looking at … it said the same thing. Crappy shitty weather until mid afternoon – and as Ford market closes down at 3pm … well …. decision made (after 45 minutes of indecisiveness!)

Soooo I did this instead … LOL yeah I know – hair looks BAD and I look WORSE (puffy bleary eyes) but it was about 5.45am by then in my defence!! I was pretty awake after I’d made the decision, so I made myself a cup of coffee, took it back to bed and watched some early morning TV while I checked my email sitting in bed. Had to get a photo for posterity because it’s only ever on market days that you will see me up that early!! I finally got out of bed around 9am

I don’t want to be a “fair weather trader” and only turn up when the sun is out because if that were the case I’d NEVER be out there! LOL! I’m happy to be out there from early till late working hard, carting all the stock back & forth and putting in the effort come rain or shine. Unfortunately my stock isn’t so happy (the labels all get damaged) and I am not prepared for trading outside in bad weather and the wind … yet!

I did make a productive use of the day and I went up to the market at Ford anyway as a visitor. I introduced myself to the market manager, got all the info I need about trading there and spent a couple of hours chatting with some of the traders. It was definitely worth looking around because I had a much better idea of what I need for next week (tarpaulins, clamps and weights for starters!) to get up and running. At Worthing they at least provide the EZ up canopy for you which has at least a hope of staying put in the wind!! I only have a gazebo which isn’t as strong and weather proof as one of the purpose built ez-up tents or market stalls… so I am going to have to look at investing in one of those. I’ve done some research and they aren’t as expensive as I first thought – and certainly to do Ford Market – will be well worth it!! Fingers crossed I can organise something ready for next Sunday

After I’d got back home after my “rekkie” round the market, I started blitzing my wardrobe! What a difference! I took everything out, sorted it all, threw away anything that doesn’t fit me anymore (plus discovered I’m back into my “skinny jeans” – yeah!!) and had a major enormous shoe cull. I didn’t take a picture of the shoes I chucked out because it’s too depressing! Why I hung onto some of them I don’t know! Some of them were falling to pieces so much, others entirely impractical and I never wear anymore, and others I looked at and thought WHY? LOL

 The top shelf has now got my boots, bags and accessories (doesn’t show in the second pic) – ohh and that empty shoe rack in the RHS pic? Err it isn’t empty anymore – I have a downstairs shoe cupboard that I’ll be re-organising a bit later on … but now ALL my shoes are exactly where they belong in my wardrobe!

THEN I tackled the ironing! My house – which yesterday was spotless – now looks like a laundry service with clothes hanging up everywhere! My iron actually BROKE part way through and I had to phone Mother for an emergency “can I borrow your iron?” visit! I’ve finished for tonight and am chilling out now so I’ll put it all away in the morning!!

It was WEIRD waking up to an empty house this morning! Normally on market day – which is normally a Wednesday and a school day for kids & work day for Hub … I have to creep around like a mouse to try not to wake anybody up but this morning the whole place was mine! I didn’t have to worry about the volume control on the TV (I always have the news & weather on when I am up for market!) or making too much noise tripping over the dog … or the cat whinging outside to come in because it’s been raining! LOL It was all such a novelty! I struggled with the decision NOT to go to market today, but I’ll secretly admit it was really nice to climb back into my warm (albeit slightly damp!) bed with a cup of coffee on a Sunday morning all by my lonesome!

My belligerent dog!

bel·lig·er·ent
–adjective
1. warlike; given to waging war.
2. of warlike character; aggressively hostile; bellicose: a belligerent tone.
3. waging war; engaged in war: a peace treaty between belligerent powers.
4. pertaining to war or to those engaged in war: belligerent rights. –noun

Or alternatively a dog who is now 11 in human years whose legs can’t hack the long walks her owner likes and who runs off & lays down when she has had enough and refuses to come back so you have to go find her! I think she pretends to be deaf. She isn’t deaf as she hears the call for going OUT on the walk clear enough … she just has enough half way round these days!

Also a dog who, when she cannot get into the car boot for a walk due to it being full up (and whose poor legs can’t handle jumping that high anymore) … who insists on sitting in the drivers seat of the car, despite not having a driving license (or opposable thumbs!) and refuses to move! In her defence there wasn’t much room on the passenger seat either as I’d shunted it forward to fill up the back more – and then stuffed an extra couple of shelves in the gap!!!

We went down the beach – she did her business – I cleared it up – she chased the ball a few times then took it into the sea for a good wash (she does like a nice clean ball! LOL) and refused to bring it out of the water! *sigh* an eventual lost ball when it went past “wading in wellies” depth! She then completely refused to move from where she was sitting on the sand … so I gave up and dragged her home! LOL

Now this is weird …..

Hub left with the kids at 10.30 this morning. I got straight on with cleaning the house, had a luxurious long shower with absolutely no interruptions, got dressed at my own pace without tripping over children, had a quick flit into the supermarket to get some bits & pieces and went into work. Bliss …

And then I came home after work to an empty house.

Even before I drove around the corner I was thinking I miss them. I actually miss the lot of them. Normally on a Saturday afternoon when I get back from work, before I have even put a foot through the door, Nathan calls out HELLO (without looking up from his computer but he’s the first to call out!), swiftly followed by Megan’s HELLO buried somewhere in the depths of her room … then Hub will come trundling down the stairs from where he’s been up there on his computer and come and say hello.

Today it was quiet. It was weird!

I’m going out for a meal with my mother and her friend tonight. I’m looking forward to it – no time pressure, no stress or hassle … and trying not to think about coming home to an empty house again later. I’m not sure I like all of this uninterrupted peace and quiet after all!!

Just call me Ms Productive!

Well, first of all there was a shopping mission for Nathan to get him some new school shirts, new shoes and underwear – all checked off with minimal fuss by a trip to Marks & Spencer!

Then I managed to wangle 5 solid hours at the workshop and I had the most blinding idea about completely re-working my display to give me MORE stuff in HALF as much space. It’s complicated to explain and basically involves doubling up with two votive fragrances in a basket as opposed to a single fragrance, but it works … and it works brilliantly! I tried something different with my stock shelves that I cart to events and back … and again I’ve managed to re-work it so it means I’m taking less shelves and making better use of the space that I have got! It’s just all good! I’ve been working on some new packaging ideas and the display is going to look fantastic!!

I’m nearly all prepared for my first attempt at Ford Market this weekend – and trying something different has given me a renewed sense of motivation to really crack it all out and give it a real push. I feel a LOT better about things and I have one of those weird sneaky feelings that Sunday is going to go really well! Shhh don’t tell anyone incase I am wrong!

And …. Miss Megan is back from Brownie holiday! She had a brilliant time. It is SO nice to have her back home even if the volume level in the house has increased by a few notches again! Mind you, not that I’ll have chance to enjoy seeing her much as hub is leaving with them from about 10.30am in the morning!!

A good day – I feel positive – I feel happy

So near yet so far

Number One news – Megan is coming home tomorrow! I pick her up at 7pm … I’m sure it will be 7.30pm by the time we’re out of there after she has done all of her goodbyes … and then she’ll have excitedly told me about absolutely everything by the time we’ve driven home!! I’ve missed her! It’s been nice in a way to spend so much solitary time just me and Nathan and he’s been great – hardly had to RAAAHHH at him at all this week!

Number two news – well it’s not news as I mentioned it yesterday, but OMG I am so looking forward to it that it’s worth re-iterating!! Three days and three nights of sanctuary when hub takes the children down to Cornwall to stay with his family. 72 hours of complete and utter sanctuary and pure unadulterated ME time! Ooooh thinking of it as JUST 72 hours makes me not want to waste time sleeping!! Too much to do!!

72 hours of solid …

• Me time. Nobody else to worry about, dish out ADHD meds to, make meals for, force to brush teeth/hair or wash or anyone else to even remotely consider. Totally selfish time for ME ME ME.
• Nobody hassling me about whether I have eaten today or not. Yes people I eat, I just don’t restrict myself to set mealtimes and don’t always feel hungry at 6pm when the rest of the farm my children demand feeding! Yeah okay so Mum will probably phone and ask, but that’s also probably why she’s taking me out to dinner on Saturday night too!! I eat when I am hungry and I drink a butt load of water - it’s how I’ve lost weight recently too (well, that and stress!)
• CLEAN HOUSE! This will be the most noticeable thing of all I think! I’ll scrub the house top to bottom when I get back from loading the car up on Saturday ready for Ford market on Sunday… and it will then STAY clean until the masses descend back here Tuesday late afternoon!

Anyway to change the subject … well, actually, it IS the subject – or, the title of my post anyway. So near yet so far. It seems to be the story of my life right now. I feel like I am constantly battling and constantly struggling for so very little in return and my emotions run so high on a day to day basis that it’s almost like I am THRIVING on the stress and like I can’t function without it.

I need to change that – and soon.

Well it just got interesting!

The market today was a total wash out – I didn’t cover my costs so I made a loss for the day. It’s never a good day when that happens.

I think I give up. Well, the Wednesday market anyway! The thing I really noticed today is that although there were plenty of people in the middle of town … hardly anybody was carrying shopping bags. There were also three shops within my line of vision that were closed down, and in my chat with some of the staff in the shops, they all said they were pretty dead too. It’s only the shops with huge great big sale signs and closing down signs that are doing any business and that is purely because they are literally giving the stuff away.

People just don’t have the money to spend … either that or it’s just that Worthing on a Wednesday is a pile of plop! That market used to be absolutely heaving with people when I used to go down there myself years ago and it still does have it’s regular following … BUT and although I have nothing against older people … a lot of the regular visitors are bussed down from the local elderly groups in the area. The problem my BUSINESS has with older people is that they are too afraid to light candles incase they forget to put them out… and they tell me this themselves AFTER sniffing everything and engaging me in conversation.

I have to admit - after getting up at 5am and suffering through a slow day in trading … the last thing you need is people showing interest, picking up, looking at and smelling your stuff … asking you a ton of questions so you have to ignore other people nosing around the stall (who may ACTUALLY want to ask a question and buy something) … then telling you that they aren’t going to buy anything!!  

Every trader says the same thing! Seriously people – if you aren’t interested … then just walk on by. Don’t give the stallholder false hope of a sale incase they have had a lousy day! It is SO disheartening and gut wrenching.

Or maybe I am just too cynical! There was a new guy on the market this week (says she after only being there 6 weeks herself!!) that was so up for it this morning. I looked at him with a “yeah right, don’t expect that from THIS market” look on my face. By mid morning he was asking me why he hadn’t believed me … and by mid afternoon when there was only a couple of hours worth of reasonable trade left, I was wondering what the fuck I was doing there myself.

Sooooo. We have new plans. About 30 mins away is Ford Market.

This is a really busy Sunday market that has been going for years and a few of the “hardened” traders that I spoke to today that go ALL said it was a good market. Lots of stalls and lots of trade. Sounds good to me! It’s LESS money than the Weds pitch and it’s on a weekend so no childcare issues as hub has the kids.

Hub is taking the kids away this weekend to visit with his family in Cornwall. Megan is back from Brownie holiday on Friday and then he is leaving Saturday for at least 3 days away with the kids and I am here totally by myself!! Instead of peace and solitude by myself at home, or getting together with girlie mates and getting drunk … I’m instead looking at hiring a van for the weekend so I can go to the Sunday market and possibly another market at Brighton Racecourse on the Bank Holiday Monday and pouring / packaging every spare minute inbetween!

I must be crazy!! Dagnamit (see, new word) I am just bound and determined that IF I go down then I go down kicking and screaming all the way!!!

Dagnamit

It’s my new word. It is to be used during those times when what I really want to say is fu*k, poo*, sh*t, wank*ng,  piss*ng, b*llocks but have small children around.

There are some possible lights at the end of the tunnel, so it isn’t all doom and gloom. The biggest light is that I am looking to get a night job. If I can find work in a local supermarket overnight for a couple of nights a week, I can earn a fair amount of money to supplement the summer and keep me going through the quiet periods. Plus … I am a night owl at heart so it is ideal. Whether I’ll be able to keep it up for more than a few weeks would remain to be seen. At any rate, I have to find a job first, then apply, then wait so it’s not an instant fix, but it’s one to be getting on with.

I also may potential be able to work from someone’s garage for the short term to cut down on the outgoing costs. Not too much detail yet as it’s all a little up in the air, but it is a possibility. Again – something to think about.

When I woke up this morning it was a hell of a day from the outset. I hardly slept last night with worry about just everything in general. I took three showers before even lunch time because it felt so good to just get in there under the hot water … cry my eyes out and let the soap suds wash it all away.

I miss Megan too. I really do miss her and I am glad she’ll be back on Friday! She may only be ten years old but she has a sound head on her shoulders and she gives the best advice. Sometimes the best advice in the world comes from an innocent child who can look at something and give you the most obvious and logical answer without all of the emotions attached from being an adult.

What I wouldn’t give to be ten years old again!

Life is a rollercoaster? Yer not kidding!

I need to be somewhere I can let rip, break and smash things, and above all just SCREAM and CRY and throw things that will land with a satisfying S*M*A*S*H as they shatter into eleventy hundred pieces. I need to be somewhere where it doesn’t matter if I look like crap with tears streaming down my face, where it doesn’t matter if I can’t be bothered to get dressed or brush my hair and where nobody knows me … well apart from my friend Lou. I need her to be there. She and I haven’t known each other that long really, but she tells me the truth – not just what she thinks I might want to hear.

Nowhere is sacred right now. It used to be that work was my escape from the daily monotony, and then the twenty minutes I had before picking the kids up from school once I got in from work was always such bliss! I’d have enough time to watch a bit of Jeremey Kyle (just to prove my life isn’t as bad as theirs because at least I know who the father of my kids is!) and have a cup of coffee in solitude before the masses descended on me!

I don’t get out of the house often enough to have a real “social life.” I have friends sure, but their lives are just as busy as mine, and to be truthful, even if I take a day off work… I don’t ever feel like I achieve anything at all because I always have too much to do.

The bath used to be a sanctuary too … but far too often H will knock on the door and ask “mind if I come in for a pee?” despite me checking prior to running the bath whether anybody needed to use the toilet.

“YES I F***ING MIND, GET OUT!” – Sanctuary ruined and cue soggy exit from bath.

Plus today finances took a dire turn for the worst. I can’t go into too much detail, but lets say cash flow has been a huge HUGE enormous problem thanks to middle men not doing their frigging jobs so I can’t do mine. That’s all I can say without going into a huge enormous rant here and getting into too much detail.

I am worried. I’m worried sick that it is all about to come falling down around my ears and that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I just hope that my children learn from my mistakes and don’t make the same ones I did. My Dad was a fantastic role model as I was growing up. He was a solid family man and a good provider – what every guy strives to achieve, right? What I missed out on from him though was quality time and hearing the words “I love you”

I KNEW I was loved, don’t get me wrong, and mum said it often enough for the two of them, but I never realised it until after he was gone. One thing I try so hard to give my kids is love. No matter what … no matter how bad it gets at home or how hard it is … they will always know they are loved.