Marriage & Divorce

After nearly 11 years of marriage, my husband and I are getting a divorce. The funny part is that our friends were very much split down the middle when they found out … half of them were shocked that the two of us were splitting up, but the other half weren’t surprised at all. It’s amazing what gets hidden behind closed doors huh.

It has to be said that Megan & Nathan are handling it REALLY well. I am so proud of them. I found a lovely 3 bed house to rent in the same area as the “old house” and a terrific landlady to boot! I had said to Hub that we should wait to tell them the whole truth until I had found a place because it would make the adjustment easier if they could go and SEE where they were going to be living, and it worked out perfectly. I found the house at the start of October, and moved in with the children officially on the 25th. It meant that I was able to spend three whole weeks getting unpacked and getting the house sorted out before “the big day.” The first week in the house the children were on half term as well, so we all had plenty of time to adjust and get used to things. There have been a few problems … but on the whole they have done brilliantly and settled in really well. I’m really proud of both of them.

It hasn’t been easy and I won’t pretend otherwise! I worry every day about money and coping… but so far I’m doing okay. I live to a very strict budget and have precisely £7.68 a week left over, but that includes everything!! Housing benefit *should* cover my rent, but I have to make sure I can cover at least HALF of it every month just incase there is a problem (I am a grey area as I am self employed!) BUT … my budget is worked out to include all of the bills – gas & electric (both key meters), water, TV license, car insurance, phone bill, sky TV, fuel … plus an allowance for food, cigarettes and alcohol! My budget also includes a tenner a week “unexpected” … like last week the kids bought home school photos … more money! So far, it’s working out, but I need to live for about 3 months to really tell for sure and it’s only been a couple of weeks so far! 

My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I are getting on okay too. We are polite and civil to each other and there is a new respect that there never was before. Shame that wasn’t the case while we were still “married” eh! Anyway it’s working out that he is seeing the kids one night a week during the week and then he has them 2 nights every other weekend … they feel they see enough of him, and he seems happy that he is seeing enough of them … so it’s all good.

Our solicitors seem to think it will take anywhere between 3-5 months for the divorce. I am divorcing him on the grounds of “unreasonable behaviour” but to keep it amicable, it’s basically things we agreed on between us, so there are no surprises and no nasty malicious anything … well not from my part anyway and I’ve not seen anything to indicate that he’s about to pull a swift one on me. Basically we both just want a clean break and a fresh start.

*** HIATUS ***

“Hiatus” –noun, plural -tus⋅es, -tus.

1.	a break or interruption in the continuity of a work, series, action, etc.

Yeah … so that’s what this has been … a hiatus! I had to stop writing my blog for a while when my marriage really started to break down because my kids read this and until my husband and I had a chance to work out exactly what we were going to do and talk to them properly … well I couldn’t write about it … and as my life was so pre-occupied with that … I couldn’t write about anything else either!!

Part of me was going to start a completely new blog with a new address and everything, but instead I decided to just carry on here

So … Will Work For Shoes is back … with a vengeance!!

A rite of passage

Today marked a real rite of passage for Megan!! She was both petrified and excited at the same time - the look on her face as she gingerly holds a razor for the first time with shaving gel smeared all over her legs – haaahaaha well she knew I was going to take a photo!

The “once you’ve started, you can’t ever stop” journey into shaving your body hair has now begun! Megan has been unhappy about her leg hair for a while … and although I think ten years old is a little too young to start shaving or waxing or whatever – I DO understand the need inside a young girl to be happy with her body.

I remember going through the exact same thing, and my mum turning around to me and telling me it would only grow back twice as thick and that she’d never shaved her legs and …. well to be honest I never was going to listen. She was my mother telling me not to do something, so of course I went ahead and did it anyway! I was around 14 or 15 though!! Anyway, I sneaked my dad’s razor and ended up making a huge bloody (literally) mess of my knees.

Eventually they bought me an electric lady shave thingy … and … well, the point of that lil story was because I’d rather my daughter NOT end up with knees like mine! She wants to shave her legs – then okay, I’ll show her how!! I gave her a lesson in softening the skin with water before putting the foam on, about the different angles you have to use to get all the hairs, about rinsing the razor off and banging it on the sink to get the hairs out, about the delicate parts of the skin at the behind the knee and the back of the foot … and the whole navigation involved in successfully shaving a knee without bleeding! I did most of it for her, but I did also tell her that I wouldn’t be shaving her legs for her forever! She did have a go herself on an “easy” bit … but next time she’ll be doing the majority of it herself!

Ack, yet another sign that my little girl (who will ALWAYS be my little girl) aint so little anymore!!!

Sometimes ya just need rescuing!

Sooo yeah they all came back home eventually! I had such a great weekend when they were away and I got SO much done – I’ve been working my proverbial butt off over the last few days as Hub had the rest of last week off so I took advantage to get into the workshop as much as possible!!

The kids are back at school in just a few days and I feel guilty that they haven’t had an awesome & amazing summer this year. Partly due to money – but also partly because the weather has been dreadful!! Finally we had a little inkling of some sunshine today, so after I’d done everything at work, we went to Brooklands park. I’d been promising them a ride on the boating lake for ages … and today we went for it!! Brooklands is right on our doorstep and there is no entrance fee – you just pay for whatever of the facilities you want to use and it isn’t expensive. Local stuff for local people

It was only £5 per boat for 15 mins to chill out on the lake. I swear I had more fun than Megan & Nathan did too! … well, once I’d figured out the reverse steering and narrowly avoided crashing a couple of times … well, until the boat engine cut out and we were left just floating …. into the reeds at the side of the bank! Ooops! Luckily the boat guys spotted us waving for help and came to rescue us!

Well …. I’m a girl who learned to drive in a brand new car just two years ago and who has never tinkered with engines! How was I supposed to know what a choke was … and my girlie wimpy arms couldn’t pull the cord chain thingy properly anyway!!!

Ahh well … sometimes a girl just needs rescuing eh!

Then we went and played in the park … well, they played and I tried hard not to watch as Nathan climbed to the very top of things and did what small boys do so well (scare their mothers!) 

I reckon he needs to start serious training for the next Olympics because he actually had a crowd around him as he was swinging on the monkey bars ooohing and ahhhing about how great he was at it! Nathan has always just had an uncanny knack for climbing and contorting his body into weird bizarre angles!

 

Megan is usually more sedate, but today even SHE wanted to just “hang around” LOL

It was a nice couple of hours just enjoying myself with the kids and not worrying about anything else in particular! I’m almost gutted that the summer holidays are nearly over … but I tell ya I can’t wait at the same time!!

I’m looking forward to it because I won’t have to worry about them between 9am-3pm 5 days a week again! I can get into the workshop and get things done without having to take them with me or play catch up in the evenings!

I’m NOT looking forward to it because 7am in the morning is such an ungodly hour that it should be banned … and because heck I actually do enjoy having my kids around! LOL

Just call me Ms Productive!

Well, first of all there was a shopping mission for Nathan to get him some new school shirts, new shoes and underwear – all checked off with minimal fuss by a trip to Marks & Spencer!

Then I managed to wangle 5 solid hours at the workshop and I had the most blinding idea about completely re-working my display to give me MORE stuff in HALF as much space. It’s complicated to explain and basically involves doubling up with two votive fragrances in a basket as opposed to a single fragrance, but it works … and it works brilliantly! I tried something different with my stock shelves that I cart to events and back … and again I’ve managed to re-work it so it means I’m taking less shelves and making better use of the space that I have got! It’s just all good! I’ve been working on some new packaging ideas and the display is going to look fantastic!!

I’m nearly all prepared for my first attempt at Ford Market this weekend – and trying something different has given me a renewed sense of motivation to really crack it all out and give it a real push. I feel a LOT better about things and I have one of those weird sneaky feelings that Sunday is going to go really well! Shhh don’t tell anyone incase I am wrong!

And …. Miss Megan is back from Brownie holiday! She had a brilliant time. It is SO nice to have her back home even if the volume level in the house has increased by a few notches again! Mind you, not that I’ll have chance to enjoy seeing her much as hub is leaving with them from about 10.30am in the morning!!

A good day – I feel positive – I feel happy

Dagnamit

It’s my new word. It is to be used during those times when what I really want to say is fu*k, poo*, sh*t, wank*ng,  piss*ng, b*llocks but have small children around.

There are some possible lights at the end of the tunnel, so it isn’t all doom and gloom. The biggest light is that I am looking to get a night job. If I can find work in a local supermarket overnight for a couple of nights a week, I can earn a fair amount of money to supplement the summer and keep me going through the quiet periods. Plus … I am a night owl at heart so it is ideal. Whether I’ll be able to keep it up for more than a few weeks would remain to be seen. At any rate, I have to find a job first, then apply, then wait so it’s not an instant fix, but it’s one to be getting on with.

I also may potential be able to work from someone’s garage for the short term to cut down on the outgoing costs. Not too much detail yet as it’s all a little up in the air, but it is a possibility. Again – something to think about.

When I woke up this morning it was a hell of a day from the outset. I hardly slept last night with worry about just everything in general. I took three showers before even lunch time because it felt so good to just get in there under the hot water … cry my eyes out and let the soap suds wash it all away.

I miss Megan too. I really do miss her and I am glad she’ll be back on Friday! She may only be ten years old but she has a sound head on her shoulders and she gives the best advice. Sometimes the best advice in the world comes from an innocent child who can look at something and give you the most obvious and logical answer without all of the emotions attached from being an adult.

What I wouldn’t give to be ten years old again!

A quiet house

It’s so weirdly quiet in my house right now. There’s no yelling or screaming, no yells for “Muuuuuuuuuuum s/he is hurting me” and only half as many requests for food and snacks.

Megan is away for the week at Brownie camp until Friday afternoon.

But it is so QUIET! Nathan has been quietly doing his own thing without interruption in the lounge with me and Hub is upstairs doing whatever it is that grown men do behind closed doors with a PC, computer games and an internet connection (I don’t ask too many questions!!)

And me? I’ve had almost uninterrupted time to get caught up on some emails and do a bit of work!

The wolves are beginning to bite at my heels though. If something major doesn’t happen soon then I’ll potentially be too far into a hole to pull myself out of it. The WORST that would happen is that I’d have to close down my workshop and move the business back into the kitchen & garden shed whilst circumnavigating Hub’s motorbike that lives out there too! This would immediately squash the vast majority of my outgoing costs and mean that I could operate on a lower figure to pay off the business debts.

On the downside I lose the only space that is my ONE sanctuary from the world (well, when I switch the phone ringer off anyway!!) and home becomes work and vice versa. I moved the business OUT of home 5 years ago – it would be a huge step backwards, and honestly the last thing I would want, but I may not have any choice.

The thing I found when I worked out of home before is that I never ever stopped working. I had a work phone line and I was out the back until all hours cooking up smelly stuff in my back garden, and I was then permanently on the computer. Hmmm not so much of a change there other than the location of the main operation. Maybe it wouldn’t be quite so bad after all!

The scared owner of a 10 year old child!

Megan had a birthday and the concept of my child in double figures is one that I knew was coming up, but it doesn’t make it any easier to deal with! She is what I guess is called a “Tween” now … she’s older than a “child” but isn’t as old as a teenager. It’s a weird age!

This year admittedly, shopping for her was MUCH easier! She made a list and then sent me an email with links to where I could buy said items from! I was also presented with the Argos catalogue decorated with stars and a big circle around the things she liked!

Needless to say … she didn’t get everything on her list, but she’s a happy girl!

School report day & Proud Mama!

BOTH my fantastic kids got great school reports today! I knew Megan had done well this year, but it was so good to see it in print. Her teacher’s quote was that Megan had “worked her socks off!” I’m so proud of that girl! She has never been strong at maths but she is *improving* and as far as I am concerned she’s doing just brilliantly!

Nathan’s report really surprised the crap out of me!! His teacher commented on how his concentration and focus have really improved over the year … and last year’s report was full of “variable” for his effort – intersperted with the very odd “good!” This year it was ALL good with a VERY good in there for design technology! I nearly fell off my feet as I was reading it! He’s done so well.

They have BOTH done so well. It makes me really proud!!!

Anyway, it’s nearly 10pm on Tuesday evening … I have JUST finished all of the re-labelling of the stock ready for market tomorrow. It had BETTER be a good day … if it isn’t then I don’t even want to think about where I will be. I need to make money this week!

I haven’t done even half the things I wanted to achieve this evening … and I still need to shower – the thought of a 5am shower is NOT a good one!

I did get pics of the new labels … but again it will have to wait … I could waffle on here all night but it won’t get my work done or me showered! LOL

it was "Yell at Dee Day" today … and the resulting melancholy!!

I got yelled at twice today by two different people – both pretty important people in my life … and both within a couple of hours of each other!! I am not going to elaborate or go into detail of the who/what/why/when/why and how because both people did apologise for the yelling part (even though I admit there was a reason behind the yelling – i.e. Dee has fucked up again) and it’s all dealt with and okay now … but it really did get me thinking.

I am wondering whether I’ve been too “up in the clouds” about everything lately. I do have a tendancy to kind of go off on a tangent with things and I KNOW get a little over enthusiastic … but if I don’t put myself out there and actively make changes then nothing is going to happen. I cannot just sit here and wait for things to happen for me because life just doesn’t work that way.

It just feels like no matter what I do I am in the wrong at the moment. I seem to go from feeling up to feeling totally crap and that I am the worst person in the world!

Translated – I am a bad mother.

I’m worried about my relationship with my children. Part of me doesn’t want to say anything here because I know Megan sometimes reads my blog and a lot of my friends & family read what I write here … but if being honest on my blog means that the people close to me can get inside my head more … then that’s what this is all about!!

I am working a LOT at the moment. Every spare minute I have is spent working … I’m either on my laptop working on the website, designing promotions, doing accounts & paperwork … or I am out of the house at the workshop.

I worry that I don’t have enough quality time with them – that I am too focussed on myself & the business right now and that they will end up resenting me for it. They are at such a critical age at the moment – both of them and I want nothing more than for them to both look back on their childhood and say to people that they had a brilliant childhood!!

In short, I worry I am not doing a good enough job as a mother.

Nathan is a funny one … because of his “problems” … I honestly think that as long as he is fed, watered and has access to a computer and his nightly “snuggles” with me on the sofa then he’ll be just fine. If I want to actually TALK to him, I need to sit with him on the stairs where there are no distractions and then I’ll get all of 5 minutes before he loses interest! He is very hard to actually get inside of because of his ADHD/Aspergers … but at the same time he is very very loving and we have a wonderful relationship. I can say without question that Nathan hugs are THE best in the world!

It’s Megan I worry about. She is nearly ten and those double figures are a scary birthday number for a mother – well, for me anyway! She is so grown up and at the age now where she is really developing as a young lady as well as an individual with her own distinct tastes, likes & dislikes. I’m worried that I work too much and don’t spend enough quality time with her. I want her to look back on her childhood and truly know that her Mum was there for her no matter what. I worry that I don’t get to spend enough time with her and that there is just “too much to do” with the accounts, working on the website etc when I am at home … that’s when I’m not trying to clean up and stay on top of the housework! The rest of the time she’s at school or I’m at work!

I just want my kids to know that the whole reason why I am doing this is for them. I need them to know that I work hard to try to give them a better future and to make up for the mistakes I made in the past. I still make mistakes every single day, but I realised not too long ago that I’m not superwoman and that it is okay not to be able to do everything. Gawd knows I still have a hell of a lot to put them through yet, but I’ll take it one day at a time.

Even though I am very much aware of mistakes I’ve made in the past and I work so hard to try to fix them, I still screw up! I’m not perfect. Far from it. Today for example … being yelled at twice by two different people for two different reasons. It really brought me down.

Anyway … I think I need a bath and an early night. It’s Monday tomorrow – a new day and a new week.

Ohh I did LOADS today!

Today has been a really good day! I was in the workshop this morning and got a ton of stock votives poured ready for the East Preston market on Wednesday. I made myself a list of the scents I wanted to take with me and got them ALL poured!

I spent the afternoon when I got back chilling in the garden with the kids – it was really nice and it was great to spend time with them. I forget sometimes what great little people they are!!

Megan is growing up TOOOOOO fast these days – it scares me! One of her classmates has already started her periods, and knowing that my daughter and her friends are that developed … woah it’s scary stuff for a mother!

And Mr Nathan … well it was a surprise to see him actually EATING … let alone eating a chicken wing – AND thoroughly enjoying it too!!

Yeah … a good weekend!!!