Marriage & Divorce

After nearly 11 years of marriage, my husband and I are getting a divorce. The funny part is that our friends were very much split down the middle when they found out … half of them were shocked that the two of us were splitting up, but the other half weren’t surprised at all. It’s amazing what gets hidden behind closed doors huh.

It has to be said that Megan & Nathan are handling it REALLY well. I am so proud of them. I found a lovely 3 bed house to rent in the same area as the “old house” and a terrific landlady to boot! I had said to Hub that we should wait to tell them the whole truth until I had found a place because it would make the adjustment easier if they could go and SEE where they were going to be living, and it worked out perfectly. I found the house at the start of October, and moved in with the children officially on the 25th. It meant that I was able to spend three whole weeks getting unpacked and getting the house sorted out before “the big day.” The first week in the house the children were on half term as well, so we all had plenty of time to adjust and get used to things. There have been a few problems … but on the whole they have done brilliantly and settled in really well. I’m really proud of both of them.

It hasn’t been easy and I won’t pretend otherwise! I worry every day about money and coping… but so far I’m doing okay. I live to a very strict budget and have precisely £7.68 a week left over, but that includes everything!! Housing benefit *should* cover my rent, but I have to make sure I can cover at least HALF of it every month just incase there is a problem (I am a grey area as I am self employed!) BUT … my budget is worked out to include all of the bills – gas & electric (both key meters), water, TV license, car insurance, phone bill, sky TV, fuel … plus an allowance for food, cigarettes and alcohol! My budget also includes a tenner a week “unexpected” … like last week the kids bought home school photos … more money! So far, it’s working out, but I need to live for about 3 months to really tell for sure and it’s only been a couple of weeks so far! 

My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I are getting on okay too. We are polite and civil to each other and there is a new respect that there never was before. Shame that wasn’t the case while we were still “married” eh! Anyway it’s working out that he is seeing the kids one night a week during the week and then he has them 2 nights every other weekend … they feel they see enough of him, and he seems happy that he is seeing enough of them … so it’s all good.

Our solicitors seem to think it will take anywhere between 3-5 months for the divorce. I am divorcing him on the grounds of “unreasonable behaviour” but to keep it amicable, it’s basically things we agreed on between us, so there are no surprises and no nasty malicious anything … well not from my part anyway and I’ve not seen anything to indicate that he’s about to pull a swift one on me. Basically we both just want a clean break and a fresh start.

Can I mention Christmas yet?

1st September today and I spent a good part of my day planning the Christmas line for 2008! Man I can’t believe we didn’t even have a summer (weather wise) and here I am now on the first of September thinking about making Christmas tree candles, getting a cinnamon headache and trying to get in front for the Christmas scented votive candles in bulk! I’ve got the seasonal shop page already designed for the website – I have some bits and pieces I need to make tomorrow and photograph asap … but it’s all good right now!

The weather has changed too. The evenings are starting to get dark by 8pm … it’s coming!

Orders have picked up again … cash flow is … well, it’s flowing! OMG FINALLY it is flowing! I checked the bank account today and the first customer payment that I processed a week ago has actually been paid into the account within the seven days that NetBanx promised!! I’m in a MUCH better position than I was a week ago … and by this time next week it should be even better too!! By the time the real run up to Christmas gets here … fingers crossed that … well, just fingers crossed! LOL

Well it just got interesting!

The market today was a total wash out – I didn’t cover my costs so I made a loss for the day. It’s never a good day when that happens.

I think I give up. Well, the Wednesday market anyway! The thing I really noticed today is that although there were plenty of people in the middle of town … hardly anybody was carrying shopping bags. There were also three shops within my line of vision that were closed down, and in my chat with some of the staff in the shops, they all said they were pretty dead too. It’s only the shops with huge great big sale signs and closing down signs that are doing any business and that is purely because they are literally giving the stuff away.

People just don’t have the money to spend … either that or it’s just that Worthing on a Wednesday is a pile of plop! That market used to be absolutely heaving with people when I used to go down there myself years ago and it still does have it’s regular following … BUT and although I have nothing against older people … a lot of the regular visitors are bussed down from the local elderly groups in the area. The problem my BUSINESS has with older people is that they are too afraid to light candles incase they forget to put them out… and they tell me this themselves AFTER sniffing everything and engaging me in conversation.

I have to admit - after getting up at 5am and suffering through a slow day in trading … the last thing you need is people showing interest, picking up, looking at and smelling your stuff … asking you a ton of questions so you have to ignore other people nosing around the stall (who may ACTUALLY want to ask a question and buy something) … then telling you that they aren’t going to buy anything!!  

Every trader says the same thing! Seriously people – if you aren’t interested … then just walk on by. Don’t give the stallholder false hope of a sale incase they have had a lousy day! It is SO disheartening and gut wrenching.

Or maybe I am just too cynical! There was a new guy on the market this week (says she after only being there 6 weeks herself!!) that was so up for it this morning. I looked at him with a “yeah right, don’t expect that from THIS market” look on my face. By mid morning he was asking me why he hadn’t believed me … and by mid afternoon when there was only a couple of hours worth of reasonable trade left, I was wondering what the fuck I was doing there myself.

Sooooo. We have new plans. About 30 mins away is Ford Market.

This is a really busy Sunday market that has been going for years and a few of the “hardened” traders that I spoke to today that go ALL said it was a good market. Lots of stalls and lots of trade. Sounds good to me! It’s LESS money than the Weds pitch and it’s on a weekend so no childcare issues as hub has the kids.

Hub is taking the kids away this weekend to visit with his family in Cornwall. Megan is back from Brownie holiday on Friday and then he is leaving Saturday for at least 3 days away with the kids and I am here totally by myself!! Instead of peace and solitude by myself at home, or getting together with girlie mates and getting drunk … I’m instead looking at hiring a van for the weekend so I can go to the Sunday market and possibly another market at Brighton Racecourse on the Bank Holiday Monday and pouring / packaging every spare minute inbetween!

I must be crazy!! Dagnamit (see, new word) I am just bound and determined that IF I go down then I go down kicking and screaming all the way!!!

Dagnamit

It’s my new word. It is to be used during those times when what I really want to say is fu*k, poo*, sh*t, wank*ng,  piss*ng, b*llocks but have small children around.

There are some possible lights at the end of the tunnel, so it isn’t all doom and gloom. The biggest light is that I am looking to get a night job. If I can find work in a local supermarket overnight for a couple of nights a week, I can earn a fair amount of money to supplement the summer and keep me going through the quiet periods. Plus … I am a night owl at heart so it is ideal. Whether I’ll be able to keep it up for more than a few weeks would remain to be seen. At any rate, I have to find a job first, then apply, then wait so it’s not an instant fix, but it’s one to be getting on with.

I also may potential be able to work from someone’s garage for the short term to cut down on the outgoing costs. Not too much detail yet as it’s all a little up in the air, but it is a possibility. Again – something to think about.

When I woke up this morning it was a hell of a day from the outset. I hardly slept last night with worry about just everything in general. I took three showers before even lunch time because it felt so good to just get in there under the hot water … cry my eyes out and let the soap suds wash it all away.

I miss Megan too. I really do miss her and I am glad she’ll be back on Friday! She may only be ten years old but she has a sound head on her shoulders and she gives the best advice. Sometimes the best advice in the world comes from an innocent child who can look at something and give you the most obvious and logical answer without all of the emotions attached from being an adult.

What I wouldn’t give to be ten years old again!

A helpful bank? Blimey!

When the phone rang at 8.45am I looked at the caller ID with a feeling of impending doom that was justified when I saw it was an 0845 number. Calls before 9am at home from 0845 numbers never mean anything good and it’s usually a company I owe money to that is baying for my blood.

This morning it was the bank. Specifically the collections department because my small business loan payment bounced this month. Surprisingly though, the guy on the end of the telephone was actually more than helpful! He listened when I explained about the middle man bollocks I’ve had to deal with recently including the phone and internet issues in the workshop, the merchant account problems and the reasons for the lack of cash flow. I told him that I have customer card payments to process, but that until it’s all in place (fingers crossed NetBanx sort it out today!!) there is nothing I can do to get funds into the account.

He said that they realised it was pointless to keep re-presenting for the loan payment when the account is over the overdraft and until I have the payment processor set up an in place. From that point I will KNOW that as long as I have orders coming in, I will be receiving their payment within SEVEN days instead of the 28 days from WorldPay and a much better idea of my weekly numbers and where I am at.

It was just amazing to speak to somebody with the authority to help me and offer the best solutions for my business’s current problems. It’s only a short term fix that we have arranged today – basically I’ve got a couple of months off from paying the loan payment which will be added to the end of it to give me some breathing space. It’s £440 that I don’t need to find by 8th September … and instead I won’t have to pay anything except the regular £220 in October so that’s one pressure off my back anyway!

I should never have taken out the loan in the first place. Bad decision… but I did what I thought was best at the time. Unfortunately it was probably the one single thing that caused me to suffer further down the line.

Still, after waking up early this morning (well ok early for school holidays when I don’t have to *technically* be anywhere by 9am) and the feeling of anxiety I had from the moment I opened my eyes … I’m feeling a little more chilled. I’ve got a busy day ahead, but Nathan is watching the end of a film so I’m just chilling for a little bit this morning before I launch into my numbers and then head into work to send some boxes out!

A quiet house

It’s so weirdly quiet in my house right now. There’s no yelling or screaming, no yells for “Muuuuuuuuuuum s/he is hurting me” and only half as many requests for food and snacks.

Megan is away for the week at Brownie camp until Friday afternoon.

But it is so QUIET! Nathan has been quietly doing his own thing without interruption in the lounge with me and Hub is upstairs doing whatever it is that grown men do behind closed doors with a PC, computer games and an internet connection (I don’t ask too many questions!!)

And me? I’ve had almost uninterrupted time to get caught up on some emails and do a bit of work!

The wolves are beginning to bite at my heels though. If something major doesn’t happen soon then I’ll potentially be too far into a hole to pull myself out of it. The WORST that would happen is that I’d have to close down my workshop and move the business back into the kitchen & garden shed whilst circumnavigating Hub’s motorbike that lives out there too! This would immediately squash the vast majority of my outgoing costs and mean that I could operate on a lower figure to pay off the business debts.

On the downside I lose the only space that is my ONE sanctuary from the world (well, when I switch the phone ringer off anyway!!) and home becomes work and vice versa. I moved the business OUT of home 5 years ago – it would be a huge step backwards, and honestly the last thing I would want, but I may not have any choice.

The thing I found when I worked out of home before is that I never ever stopped working. I had a work phone line and I was out the back until all hours cooking up smelly stuff in my back garden, and I was then permanently on the computer. Hmmm not so much of a change there other than the location of the main operation. Maybe it wouldn’t be quite so bad after all!

The work / life balance

Someone said to me recently that I needed to make more adjustments with my family / work / life balance so that I didn’t find myself so stressed and burned out. It’s always so easy for someone looking in to suggest ways to improve yourself, but life just isn’t that simple!

My children are the most important thing to me in the WORLD! Yes, work is important and because I OWN my business … well, if I don’t do it, then nobody else does … but still, I make damned sure that I spend quality time with both my kids every single day.

It does feel like I am constantly working at the moment … if I’m not in the workshop pouring candles, packaging or packing up boxes then I’m working at home … I’m doing the accounts, getting the numbers done and trying desperately to cut out the middle men. That’s a whole other post though! I don’t have a choice but to take the children into work with me during the day for a couple of hours, then I head back there in the evening as soon as Hub walks through the door!!

I HATE the fact that money has been so tight that we haven’t been able to afford a summer holiday for the kids for the last 3 years. They want to have nice things, they want the latest this and that – and because they ARE good kids (most of the time!!) I’d love to be able to treat them and reward them more often.

Yes I know, it’s not about money and materialistic posessions – it’s about growing up in a safe and loved environment … but c’mon, when all your friends have really cool clothes and you are wearing school trousers that are too short and tops that don’t fit you anymore – then the materialistic stuff DOES matter.

I’ve felt ashamed and embarrassed some days when I’ve sent the kids off to school because their uniforms have needed replacing for so long and there just hasn’t been the money for it. Both of them have so few clothes in their wardrobes that fit properly and let’s not get started on the shoes that are falling to pieces!!

THIS is why I do it. This is why I work hard! It’s so I can turn around a flagging business, bring it right up to exactly where it needs to be and for my kids to have the benefit of it, because ONE day … ONE day I’ll be a millionaire earn enough money to be comfortable.

It is hard though … I know my family resents the time I spend out of the house, and because business has been slow recently, I’ve had to throw myself into it even more, yet I’m not even bringing in an income right now. One thing I’m NOT though is a quitter! I even talked to the children about the possibility of closing down the business.

“But what else would you do?” was the reply. Good question!

It IS a daily struggle I will admit that, but I’m not prepared to give up on my business and it’s not like I can give up on my children, so until thenI just keep on keeping on and I just live in hope that the world stops spinning for long enough that I can get off ………. eventually!

insurmountable mountains

I’ll admit I have been deeply buried in paperwork recently, especially during the day. I am trying to split my time so that during the day I am home and around with the children because I HATE dragging them into work with me and they hate being there! I’ve been doing the numbers, designing flyers, working on the website … ohh and cleaning the house during the day, and then as soon as hub is through the door at 6pm I’m off to the workshop to pour and pack orders!

It hasn’t been brilliant … but I guess that much is obvious or I would have posted about anything fabulous eh! The business is still ticking over and that is just about it. It’s very disheartening to know that I have such great products – not blowing my own trumpet, but I DO … yet people just aren’t buying. It’s the same whoever you talk to and whatever business they are in … it’s slow everywhere.

I am just hanging on and hanging on because I am still convinced that ONE day my hard work will pay off and the business will generate me some serious money!

Right, hi ho, hi ho it’s off to work I go! With a bucket and spade and a hang grenade hi ho, hi ho!

Market Day

The sun was shining – it was a lovely day and I covered costs and made some profit! Even getting up at 5am wasn’t so bad today.

I have so many ideas for stall display! Last week was utter shite because of the weather so it didn’t really count … really this week is counted as my first week, so all things considered I did okay … Next week will be even better! Last week I had two pasting tables that pretty much fell to pieces – this week I had my proper stock shelves and it looked so much better, but still so much room for improvement!!

Ohh here’s a pic of the votives! with their new labels! See, I remembered and I got the pic sorted eventually!!!

Ohhh and because it was outside and the sun was shining … I got a nice tan too!

More rain in a day today than in a month!

Well that’s what the radio said this afternoon anyway!

I was up at 5am and all motivated to go do the market! I got there early, got a pitch, got set up and was absolutely drenched by around 8am! Had it not been for another trader who loaned me a tarpaulin and some clamps to protect at least ONE side of my pitch then I would have been totally screwed! At least I was only cold and wet! LOL

Technically NOT a good day to try out the market! The rain was just ridiculous and when the other traders started packing up by 11am – I knew it was pretty pointless sticking around! I stuck it out for another hour, but gave up at that point!

The people that were out braving the rain just weren’t browsing … they were carrying umbrellas with heads down and walking very quickly – I couldn’t blame them for not wanting to stop and have a sniff!

Anyway, it wasn’t a total loss – although I am out the pitch cost, but I learned a lot! I already know exactly what I need for my display now – and it shouldn’t cost the earth AND I may even be capable of building it myself with some hardboard, wood batons and some nails! Have hammer – can travel! HAH!

After taking the stock back to the workshop and picking up the kids, I pretty much spent the afternoon asleep on the sofa. It’ll be hard doing that every week with the early start, but fingers crossed for better weather next week!!

Houston I got my period!!!!

Well I thought it was worth announcing to the world in general! Almost ironic how I complain loudly about the lack of it and then it arrives!!

I didn’t get to write yesterday evening … I was absolutely knackered!! It was a good day, but just not for financial reasons!! The East Preston market was crap, but to be honest I didn’t really think that it would be anything more than that … it’s East Preston on a Wednesday morning FFS! LOL it didn’t matter either because Tuesday was such a superb day and I was floating on cloud nine because of the result I’d had the day before!

Anyway, today has been a fairly good … to brilliant … to not so good … to okay again kind of day!!

Clear as mud? It all started off really well – I got into work and sighed at the state of the stock room – it was such a pig sty in there and really needed sorting out. Terri was in and I knew she was just the girl I needed to get me organised!!! I completely re-organised the stock room so I can clearly see exactly what I have and what I need to make up for stock. It looks awesome in there now!! So that was the brilliant start …

The not so good part was an email from my landlord at work demanding money … but I am disputing part of the bill (charges for services I haven’t used) and they haven’t exactly been forthcoming with resolving the issues I had. I had a couple of hours this afternoon when I was getting all depressed because just as it all starts to run well again and I am making such headway into resolving my business problems … I’m faced with yet another kick!!

So anyway, I spoke to my solicitor again today to double check where I stood on some other questions I had and with his help, I’ve decided on a plan of action … again I can’t go into detail in a public post – well, not at this stage anyway, but when your solicitor turns around to you and says “you are being conned” then you know you are fighting a battle for good reason!!

… therefore the day turned into an okay again kind of one!

I am REALLY REALLY looking forward to tomorrow! I’m going over to Lou’s in the evening to take some pics of her daughter getting ready for her prom and then all dressed up in her finery! It’s also been way toooooooo long since Lou and I had a proper girlie chat that wasn’t squeezed into the 5 minutes we get when she pops in at work! I am so looking forward to it! A chance to relax and chat with my girlfriend and not have to worry about time or clock watching as I’m staying overnight. We’ll have the world put to rights by Saturday morning! LOL

All missions achieved!

God I love it when I can get to the end of a day and think yeah – I achieved all of my missions today! I have made a lot of stock votives & packaged most of them ready for East Preston on Wednesday … and all of the orders that came in over the weekend have been poured / packed & boxed!

It’s all good!!

I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow to get legal advice on a “business” issue that I have. I don’t want to go into too much detail in a public post, except to say I am being charged quite a large amount of money for a service that I have not received. There has been some back and forth discussion between myself and the other party via email, but before I reply – I need legal advice. This is an amount of over £500 that I am being charged per quarter … and if it isn’t illegal to charge someone for this, then it should be! I spoke to a solicitor over the phone today and it’s a free initial consultation … so I’ll get the advice I need … reply to their email and if I don’t get the response I expect (ie they will deduct the amount I am disputing) then the solicitor will send a letter and war will begin!!

Anyway that’s about all I can say in public on the subject!

My priorities right now??

** Sort out this £500 bill – either through my own battle or a legal one!
** Keep working on the accounts (getting through it a bit every day)
** Make a butt load of money!

Simple eh!