Marriage & Divorce

After nearly 11 years of marriage, my husband and I are getting a divorce. The funny part is that our friends were very much split down the middle when they found out … half of them were shocked that the two of us were splitting up, but the other half weren’t surprised at all. It’s amazing what gets hidden behind closed doors huh.

It has to be said that Megan & Nathan are handling it REALLY well. I am so proud of them. I found a lovely 3 bed house to rent in the same area as the “old house” and a terrific landlady to boot! I had said to Hub that we should wait to tell them the whole truth until I had found a place because it would make the adjustment easier if they could go and SEE where they were going to be living, and it worked out perfectly. I found the house at the start of October, and moved in with the children officially on the 25th. It meant that I was able to spend three whole weeks getting unpacked and getting the house sorted out before “the big day.” The first week in the house the children were on half term as well, so we all had plenty of time to adjust and get used to things. There have been a few problems … but on the whole they have done brilliantly and settled in really well. I’m really proud of both of them.

It hasn’t been easy and I won’t pretend otherwise! I worry every day about money and coping… but so far I’m doing okay. I live to a very strict budget and have precisely £7.68 a week left over, but that includes everything!! Housing benefit *should* cover my rent, but I have to make sure I can cover at least HALF of it every month just incase there is a problem (I am a grey area as I am self employed!) BUT … my budget is worked out to include all of the bills – gas & electric (both key meters), water, TV license, car insurance, phone bill, sky TV, fuel … plus an allowance for food, cigarettes and alcohol! My budget also includes a tenner a week “unexpected” … like last week the kids bought home school photos … more money! So far, it’s working out, but I need to live for about 3 months to really tell for sure and it’s only been a couple of weeks so far! 

My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I are getting on okay too. We are polite and civil to each other and there is a new respect that there never was before. Shame that wasn’t the case while we were still “married” eh! Anyway it’s working out that he is seeing the kids one night a week during the week and then he has them 2 nights every other weekend … they feel they see enough of him, and he seems happy that he is seeing enough of them … so it’s all good.

Our solicitors seem to think it will take anywhere between 3-5 months for the divorce. I am divorcing him on the grounds of “unreasonable behaviour” but to keep it amicable, it’s basically things we agreed on between us, so there are no surprises and no nasty malicious anything … well not from my part anyway and I’ve not seen anything to indicate that he’s about to pull a swift one on me. Basically we both just want a clean break and a fresh start.

Dagnamit

It’s my new word. It is to be used during those times when what I really want to say is fu*k, poo*, sh*t, wank*ng,  piss*ng, b*llocks but have small children around.

There are some possible lights at the end of the tunnel, so it isn’t all doom and gloom. The biggest light is that I am looking to get a night job. If I can find work in a local supermarket overnight for a couple of nights a week, I can earn a fair amount of money to supplement the summer and keep me going through the quiet periods. Plus … I am a night owl at heart so it is ideal. Whether I’ll be able to keep it up for more than a few weeks would remain to be seen. At any rate, I have to find a job first, then apply, then wait so it’s not an instant fix, but it’s one to be getting on with.

I also may potential be able to work from someone’s garage for the short term to cut down on the outgoing costs. Not too much detail yet as it’s all a little up in the air, but it is a possibility. Again – something to think about.

When I woke up this morning it was a hell of a day from the outset. I hardly slept last night with worry about just everything in general. I took three showers before even lunch time because it felt so good to just get in there under the hot water … cry my eyes out and let the soap suds wash it all away.

I miss Megan too. I really do miss her and I am glad she’ll be back on Friday! She may only be ten years old but she has a sound head on her shoulders and she gives the best advice. Sometimes the best advice in the world comes from an innocent child who can look at something and give you the most obvious and logical answer without all of the emotions attached from being an adult.

What I wouldn’t give to be ten years old again!

Life is a rollercoaster? Yer not kidding!

I need to be somewhere I can let rip, break and smash things, and above all just SCREAM and CRY and throw things that will land with a satisfying S*M*A*S*H as they shatter into eleventy hundred pieces. I need to be somewhere where it doesn’t matter if I look like crap with tears streaming down my face, where it doesn’t matter if I can’t be bothered to get dressed or brush my hair and where nobody knows me … well apart from my friend Lou. I need her to be there. She and I haven’t known each other that long really, but she tells me the truth – not just what she thinks I might want to hear.

Nowhere is sacred right now. It used to be that work was my escape from the daily monotony, and then the twenty minutes I had before picking the kids up from school once I got in from work was always such bliss! I’d have enough time to watch a bit of Jeremey Kyle (just to prove my life isn’t as bad as theirs because at least I know who the father of my kids is!) and have a cup of coffee in solitude before the masses descended on me!

I don’t get out of the house often enough to have a real “social life.” I have friends sure, but their lives are just as busy as mine, and to be truthful, even if I take a day off work… I don’t ever feel like I achieve anything at all because I always have too much to do.

The bath used to be a sanctuary too … but far too often H will knock on the door and ask “mind if I come in for a pee?” despite me checking prior to running the bath whether anybody needed to use the toilet.

“YES I F***ING MIND, GET OUT!” – Sanctuary ruined and cue soggy exit from bath.

Plus today finances took a dire turn for the worst. I can’t go into too much detail, but lets say cash flow has been a huge HUGE enormous problem thanks to middle men not doing their frigging jobs so I can’t do mine. That’s all I can say without going into a huge enormous rant here and getting into too much detail.

I am worried. I’m worried sick that it is all about to come falling down around my ears and that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.

I just hope that my children learn from my mistakes and don’t make the same ones I did. My Dad was a fantastic role model as I was growing up. He was a solid family man and a good provider – what every guy strives to achieve, right? What I missed out on from him though was quality time and hearing the words “I love you”

I KNEW I was loved, don’t get me wrong, and mum said it often enough for the two of them, but I never realised it until after he was gone. One thing I try so hard to give my kids is love. No matter what … no matter how bad it gets at home or how hard it is … they will always know they are loved.

it was "Yell at Dee Day" today … and the resulting melancholy!!

I got yelled at twice today by two different people – both pretty important people in my life … and both within a couple of hours of each other!! I am not going to elaborate or go into detail of the who/what/why/when/why and how because both people did apologise for the yelling part (even though I admit there was a reason behind the yelling – i.e. Dee has fucked up again) and it’s all dealt with and okay now … but it really did get me thinking.

I am wondering whether I’ve been too “up in the clouds” about everything lately. I do have a tendancy to kind of go off on a tangent with things and I KNOW get a little over enthusiastic … but if I don’t put myself out there and actively make changes then nothing is going to happen. I cannot just sit here and wait for things to happen for me because life just doesn’t work that way.

It just feels like no matter what I do I am in the wrong at the moment. I seem to go from feeling up to feeling totally crap and that I am the worst person in the world!

Translated – I am a bad mother.

I’m worried about my relationship with my children. Part of me doesn’t want to say anything here because I know Megan sometimes reads my blog and a lot of my friends & family read what I write here … but if being honest on my blog means that the people close to me can get inside my head more … then that’s what this is all about!!

I am working a LOT at the moment. Every spare minute I have is spent working … I’m either on my laptop working on the website, designing promotions, doing accounts & paperwork … or I am out of the house at the workshop.

I worry that I don’t have enough quality time with them – that I am too focussed on myself & the business right now and that they will end up resenting me for it. They are at such a critical age at the moment – both of them and I want nothing more than for them to both look back on their childhood and say to people that they had a brilliant childhood!!

In short, I worry I am not doing a good enough job as a mother.

Nathan is a funny one … because of his “problems” … I honestly think that as long as he is fed, watered and has access to a computer and his nightly “snuggles” with me on the sofa then he’ll be just fine. If I want to actually TALK to him, I need to sit with him on the stairs where there are no distractions and then I’ll get all of 5 minutes before he loses interest! He is very hard to actually get inside of because of his ADHD/Aspergers … but at the same time he is very very loving and we have a wonderful relationship. I can say without question that Nathan hugs are THE best in the world!

It’s Megan I worry about. She is nearly ten and those double figures are a scary birthday number for a mother – well, for me anyway! She is so grown up and at the age now where she is really developing as a young lady as well as an individual with her own distinct tastes, likes & dislikes. I’m worried that I work too much and don’t spend enough quality time with her. I want her to look back on her childhood and truly know that her Mum was there for her no matter what. I worry that I don’t get to spend enough time with her and that there is just “too much to do” with the accounts, working on the website etc when I am at home … that’s when I’m not trying to clean up and stay on top of the housework! The rest of the time she’s at school or I’m at work!

I just want my kids to know that the whole reason why I am doing this is for them. I need them to know that I work hard to try to give them a better future and to make up for the mistakes I made in the past. I still make mistakes every single day, but I realised not too long ago that I’m not superwoman and that it is okay not to be able to do everything. Gawd knows I still have a hell of a lot to put them through yet, but I’ll take it one day at a time.

Even though I am very much aware of mistakes I’ve made in the past and I work so hard to try to fix them, I still screw up! I’m not perfect. Far from it. Today for example … being yelled at twice by two different people for two different reasons. It really brought me down.

Anyway … I think I need a bath and an early night. It’s Monday tomorrow – a new day and a new week.